Hmm.

Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.

I think.

Just in time for Oscar season...

My movie-influenced list makes McSweeney's.

Smart Sequels and Spinoffs That Failed With the 18-to-34-Year-Old Demographic.

They're such backstabbers! (Or, you always declare war on the ones you love.)

Again, our current administration urges us to do battle with people (and "people") that it once befriended:

First it was Rumsfeld and Saddam with a cordial handshake before Rummie left Saddam to rot in prison in his skivvies.

Now, Bush is declaring war on the whole race of human-animal hybrids, but in the above photo, he looks awfully cozy... In fact, I can't even see where his hands are.


And, judging by the image above, it looks like this slutty man-bear has made the rounds with the whole Bush family.

Shutting the Hell Up

What phrase is it a priority I fully eliminate from my conversational repertoire?

No, it's not anything that will get you a penance of 10 "Our Father"s and a "Hail Mary" in the confessional. Everyone knows confession is for wusses.

And it's not, "Do you think the FBI is listening to this conversation?"

To find out, visit Zulkey.com, where closing pleasantries are so passé.

No, Canada

Conservative Win in Canada Could Help Repair Ties to U.S.

He would have put her in a manger, but he couldn't get her legs to shut...

A man in Rhode Island ditched his 8-foot inflatable Frosty the Snowman -- which appeared to be engaged in lewd behavior with its carrot nose -- to do this on his front lawn:



Man Creates Paris Hilton Christmas Shrine

For Easter, he's planning emaciated starlet Nicole Richie nailed to a cross.

Some Assembly Required: Your Christmas Army

Of late, the search terms drawing the most people to imp_perfect are "Christmas sweaters" and "matching Christmas sweater" (and "Jennifer Aniston topless" but that doesn't work for my purposes.) Normally, I refrain from using that combination of words in any sentence, but this post is likely what's bringing them here in droves. Or, at least, dozens.

Still, you might wonder, what can account for such a need to for these garments?

Well, haven't you heard? There's a war on Christmas.

And now Christmas' soldiers are fighting back:

When we began the Christmas season this year, we were all very much aware that a war was being waged by the Christmas grinches -- the American Civil Liberties Union [ACLU], Americans United for Separation of Church and State, and other secularists, to steal Christmas from America. To not only take Christ out of Christmas, but to remove Christmas totally from the American scene. I am happy to announce today that we are winning the Christmas war. -- Jerry Falwell

And they're going to need the proper attire to do so.

Those entrenched in this war need all the Bedazzled cardigans they can get.

So, here goes, a handy chart of Christmas themed knitwear.

For your Foot Soldiers:



This number features durable Astroturf trim, capable of letting wishes for "Happy Holidays" roll right off you. The neckline carries a dozen Christmas light bombs, for pelting secularists and anyone who shuts the door in your face when you come a'caroling. The Santa Claus adornment, while seemingly not Christ-y enough for a Christmas army actually shoots gut-slicing laser beams from his so-called "twinkling" eyes. And just what is the Jolly Old Fellow doing to that Christmas tree? Ha! Almost fooled ya, didn't it? It's a holiday tree and Santa is busy making it the submissive bitch it rightfully should be.

For your Southern troops:



Noah would be so proud. A pair of Flamingos, upholding all that is good and holy about this holiday. Popular with Operation: Take Back Christmas war wagers from Florida senior living communities, you shan't let the cheerful colors on this one dupe you. A detachable faux-fur collar actually transports several vials' worth of deadly chemical agents. Meanwhile, those charming Christmas socks clutched in the flamingos' beaks? They unleash a powerful wallop of bird flu but troops are urged to avoid collateral damage by only releasing the agent when they're sure to be surrounded by "holiday" revelers and not Christmas celebrants. Try a Target store.

For Special Ops:



You never know when one of your deadliest weapons will be battling against the forces of all that is unholy (or secretly holy but not all up in everyone's face about it) and will need to blend in with ... a bunch of zebras. This sturdy garment is unparalleled for its versatility. When carrying out missions against other matronly appareled shoppers, wear it with a turtleneck (pictured) to fool your opponents into viewing you as a threat to nothing more than their ability to secure the last Hickory Farms Beef Jerky Tied With a Bow gift pack. But go sleeveless when you want the thrill of secular blood splattering against your bare skin as you rip to shreds their non-offensive carcasses.

For the Fearless Leaders:



Let's be honest. This is what it all comes down to. When you're awash in the most deadly of battles, how better to say, "Jesus made me do it" than to have his baby likeness pictured right on your 100 percent acrylic war vestment? Your underlings can take Santa and shove him. Only the few, the proud and the rabidly evangelical are daring enough to show their fervor with a glitter-dusted testament to the New Testament. This is your way of sticking it to every Alzheimers-infected Walmart greeter who dares breath the words, "Happy Holidays" in your presence. Deck their solar plexi with boughs of holly and tell 'em to get wise, man. Are you shoving your Christianity down non-Christians' throats? Hell, yes. And you hope they choke on it, bitch. In Jesus' name... You prey.